Corporatese

Long post warning!

The Urban dictionary defines corporatese as, “A manner of speaking that uses the most amount of words to give the least amount of information. Most often used by Upper Management when not wanting to, or be able to, give a direct answer. Very often used when put on the spot.”

The habit of corporatese goes so deep in corporate types that they slowly lose the ability to speak like normal human beings. This leads them to use phrases, terms, and idioms that baffle the uninitiated. These replace normal language and end up being clichés. Some of us, who refused to be the corporate types or hate clichés or both, refuse to use them and cringe, involuntarily, every time we hear them. I have found that looking for and noting down corporatese is a good way of keeping your sanity in many meetings.

When the corporate types use corporatese, the uninitiated - not yet the corporate types - are still intelligent and get the gist of what is said. The aspiring corporate types absorb corporatese like blotting paper and inflict it upon their unsuspecting underlings. For them, using corporatese signifies belonging to the upper echelons.

Some, resist corporatese and continue to retain their language and native intelligence. The aspirants succumb to it with dire consequences. The aspiring types, already in the process of losing their native intelligence, often hear unfamiliar corporatese wrong and use it wrongly, often with hilarious results. Suddenly, the symbol of power and belonging invites laughter and derision.

Here is a list of corporatese for the curious. As you may guess, this is only a small list. The list of corporatese can be quite long. You can imagine the size of the problem.

Statutory WARNING: Reading this may be injurious to your mental health.

                                   

No issues	No problem, it is of no concern, it is no trouble, don’t mention it  - as a reply to  an expression of thanks
Not an issue	No problem, it is of no concern, it is no trouble, don’t mention it  - as a reply to  an expression of thanks
Touch base	We will review We will compare notes (later) I will ask your or tell you before
Buzz me, ping me	Contact me Call me Message me
Pain points	Trouble Difficult things What someone does not like
Drop a mail, shoot a mail	Send an e-mail Perhaps "drop a mail" could be right sometimes because it is like "dropping a bomb"
Invite	Invitation, meeting request
Let’s do it	You do it
EOD (Can we touch base, EOD?)	By the end of the day or when you finish it, whichever is later.
Analytics	Numbers Statistics “Can we have some analytics on number of applicants through social media?” -  All that was required were two numbers!
Big data	Small data that you do not know how to analyse.
Low hanging fruits	Things we can do easily
Let us talk to him/her	Let us confuse or confound him/her
Ballpark figure	Estimate Quite often, just a guess
Guesstimate	Estimate without any basis. (Trying to give respectability to a blind guess)
Time frame	Approximate time or period. Even just one time. We will meet 6:30 time frame
Bandwidth (E.g., I don’t have the bandwidth)	Time or interest, usually the latter. In other words I can’t or don’t want to do it - usually the latter. (Non-technical people trying to gain the respect of technical people. Unsuccessfully)
Human resources are our biggest asset	If it was, you would call them people.
Bad apple	Someone you do not like
Resource	A human being
Data point	Data
Escalate	Talk to the manager of the person who is of no help
Shot in the arm	Often mistaken for Slap in the face
Connecting the dots	Damn Steve Jobs. He said that once and everyone is connecting dots now. How things are connected. What really happened. How the whole pattern was evident, in hindsight
Ah ha moment	When something mundane was realised
Paradigm, paradigm shift	Viewpoint. (We can blame Stephen Covey for this one) Ah ha moment above could also be a moment when the paradigm shifted
Where I am coming from	No, not your place of birth or where your home is. Just the way you looked at it. Your viewpoint. As you see it. Your opinion.
Based out of	Based in. One working in Bangalore says, “I am based out of Bangalore” Where you work, not the place you are NOT in.
Going south	Worsen, weaken
In lieu of	In view of
Meet up	Meet
Put your hands together	Clap, applaud
Absolutely!	I agree. It is quite often followed by a BUT, leaving you wondering what absolutely means.
Let’s park the question.	We will answer that later, which never comes.
Hold on to that thought	Same as above. It is damn inconvenient and I don’t want to talk about it.
That is a very good question	I have no clue what that means or what the answer is. Followed by, hold on to that thought or let’s park the question for now, meaning it will never be answered.
Motherhood statement	A statement of wish, not a concrete idea how to achieve it.
Elephant in the room	An obvious problem or risk no one wants to discuss, or a condition of collective thinking no one wants to challenge.
Bio break	Time to use the loo!
Synergise	Work together (Stephen Covey may be blamed again. Corporate types did not learn the successful habit of synergy. Learned only the word)
Win-win	Both parties are equally unhappy  (Stephen Covey again)
Take home	Conclusion, gist
Going forward	In future, from now on, later
Perfect!	OK, will do, and also perfect!
Take it offline	Discuss something separately, not in this meeting.
Take it outside the meeting.	Same as above (As if meeting is a place)
Monkey on the shoulder	Problem Burden Not my/your problem.
Right?	To make a question out of a statement. You are joking. Right?
Tiger team	Task force of people with specialisations. Or a scapegoat team.
Put down one’s papers	To resign. Spin-off of another corporatese - “Put in one’s papers.”
On the same page	We have the same understanding of the situation
In sync	As above
I am/We are on it We are not top of it	We are working on the problem. Used mostly in times when we have no clue how to solve it.
Revert back	Respond, answer, report after an event.
Let’s connect	Let us talk/discuss
Sure	When one doesn’t know what to say but is somehow compelled to say something. Silence is anathema to the corporate types
Networking	Increase the number of people you know. Talk to people so that you can use them later
Leverage	Use. “We will leverage his skill” = “Let’s make him do this job”
Loop in someone	Add someone to an e-mail thread. (Like the hangman looping the noose around someone’s neck)
Basis	Based on. Basis Industry average, there is no pay hike this year.
Close the loop.	Conclude the discussion.
I was not in the loop.	I did not know I did not get a copy of the e-mail
I gave a shout	I organised this meeting. I actually heard someone say, “I gave you guys a shout so that going forward we are all on the same page.”
At this point At this point of time At this point in time	It is called “now”, you moron! A futile attempt to sound precise in something as nebulous as now!