Friday, December 30, 2005

Bangalore's traffic - laugh it off

Either riding my bike or driving my car, the unruliness of the traffic in Bangalore sent my tension levels up. Until I decided to laugh at it and joke about it. It made me more observant without getting riled. So here is the result.

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Q: What is the most common disease in Bangalore?
A: RSI - Repetitive Stress Injury. No, not because of computers, but because of honking horns!

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Q: Is the problem really that bad?
A: Just wait near a road hump. Most drivers honk the horn - hoping that the hump will go away.

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Q: What is the most common psychological problem among Bangaloreans?
A: Owners of big cars are confused. They are not sure if they have bought the car or the road.

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When the rest of the world's drivers see danger ahead, they press the clutch pedal, press the brake. A Bangalorean steps on the accelerator and then honks the horn.

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Q: Why do Bangaloreans overtake from the left?
A: Because, the traffic sign boards, where overtaking is prohibited, show a straight arrow being overtaken by a bent one and a slash across them. So, it must be OK to overtake from the right. Right?

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Q: What is the surest indication that traffic sense of Bangaloreans is pathetic.
A: There is a board which says "Red Means Stop"! (Honest! Denizens of Bangalore, go to Anil Kumble Circle and look up, there IS such a board.

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Q: What is the second such indication?
A: Boards have started appearing which say something like "Go only when green".
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Q: How does the traffic in Bangalore prove that there is a 'God up there' and he is pro-Bangalorean.
A: Traffic continues to move after the light has turned red on the one side and the traffic from the road perpendicular to it starts moving even before the light there has turned green. Still, there are no crashes!

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Q: Which city in India has the greatest acrobats?
A: Bangalore of course. Look at all the drivers talking on the mobile, honking the horn, beating the traffic lights, cursing the other motorists, avoiding pot holes, ..........Allll at the same time.

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Q: Why do Bangaloreans drive on the right (which is wrong, in India)?
A: They have taken the description "Silicon Valley of India" too seriously.

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Q: How does a Bangalorean park a car in a no parking zone?
A: Turn the hazard lights on, leave a hapless passenger inside and walk out.

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Q: What are traffic lights in Bangalore meant for?
A: To be followed if there is a policeman nearby.

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Q: If a strange, exception-to-the-rule Bangalorean stops at a traffic light, others behind him stop too. Why?
A: The others conclude that he has spotted a policeman that they themselves have not.

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Q: What is the easiest way of causing traffic accidents in Bangalore?
A: Follow the traffic rules.

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Q: There is a joke that the shortest measurable interval of time is the time between the traffic light turning green and someone behind you honking the horn. Why does this not apply to Bangalore?
A: Because you cannot measure negative time. The honks would have started even before the light turned green. If they ever stopped at all, that is.

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Q: When two denizens of this city meet, what is the most common topic of discussion?
A: Traffic of course

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Typical of the directions you get in this city:

Q: How far is it from here?
A: Five minutes by walk, half an hour by car.

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Old Joke:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It wanted to get to the other side..
Q: Why did the chicken cross back?
A: It is a bloody double crossing chick.

In the new telling:
Q: Why did the chicken cross the road?
A: It wanted to get to the other side.
Q: Why did the chicken cross back?
A: I don't know why, but I know for sure it was not in Bangalore!
Q: But.... How do you know that?
A: Well, if the chick tried it in Bangalore, it would be a dead chick!

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When a famous mountaineer was asked why he wanted to climb Mt. Everest, his answer was succinct - "Because it is there". If you asked a Bangalorean why he honks the horn, perhaps, you will get the same answer.

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Old Joke:
Q: Why did Mallu cross the road?
A: Simbly

In the new telling:
Q: Why did the Bangalorean honk the horn?
A: Simply

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Q: When you see a rare Bangalorean driving or riding on the left side of the road, what can you conclude?
A: That he is going to take a right turn at the next traffic intersection!

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News: There is an unconfirmed rumour (There are no confirmed rumours, are there?) that a Bangalorean is planning to sue the manufacturer of the car called 'Swift' because he bought and it was NOT swift. That is misleading advertisement alright!

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News: Normally car and bike manufacturers publish fuel consumption specs as "under ideal test conditions" or something similar. Since it means nothing to anyone in Bangalore, they are developing a new spec called "under idling conditions". That is all we can do on Bangalore roads - idling - anyway, right?

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14 comments:

  1. This comment has been removed by a blog administrator.

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  2. ROFL!!

    This was hilarious - and I agree abt everything on it LOL - I cant wait to be back in Bangalore traffic hehe!

    Suyog

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  3. nice ones:) This is my first visit to ur blog. Stepped in thro someone else's :))

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  4. Hi... came here from Shruthi's blog. This was too good! ROFL, man! You made my day!

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  5. ROFL post and so very true. This is a fact book in itself for people planning to come to Bangalore so that they can prevent thenselves from being driven crazy on our non existent roads Lol

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  6. ever thought of the idea to SMS these jokes to the people in traffic, Jag thanks for some laughter

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  7. I came here from Shruthi's peeve blog.

    You helped me get out of a very bad mood caused by a bad discussion with a mindless acquaintance.

    I will try to remember your jokes when I am idling on Bangalore roads.

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  8. Prabhu2:08 pm

    I am planning to file a patent for one of my designs for automobiles for the Indian market. The horn is wired through a normally closed contact and when the rider/driver does not want it to sound then he/she can press button which will temporarily disconnect the appartus for the period of depression of the switch.

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  9. cool...

    ain't sure if you've heard this one:

    "In most parts of the world, people drive on the left side of the road. In Bangalore, people drive on what's left of the road"

    :D

    cheers!

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  10. Really funny stuff.. well written..
    A colleague of mine from the UK used to joke that most cars have their accelerator and the horn ...

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  11. Anonymous4:42 pm

    Prabhu,

    I have better idea. I am designing an auto honking system that will honk for 10 seconds...every 30 seconds. There will be timing knob with which you could adjust according to the frequency you wanted.

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  12. Anonymous3:38 pm

    Very very true. I hope to read more from you in future. :)

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  13. The state Cabinet on Wednesday approved a Rs 2,095 crore proposal for upgradation of four major roads to ease traffic congestion in and around Bengaluru city and improve road connectivity to Kempegowda International Airport.

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